In this block we will define what narcissism is, the types of narcissism, how it destroys relationships and how to deal with people with narcissistic tendencies. There is a reason I have this section on my website. I was married to a narcissistic wife for 34 years. It did not occur to me until the last 5 years or so what narcissism really is and how I was controlled and manipulated for our entire marriage. The effects of this behavior became more dominant as time progressed over the years.
Narcissists use mind controlling techniques to manipulate their victims. One of the most common controlling tactic is called ‘gas lighting’. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or reality. This tactic often leads the victim to feel confused, anxious, and dependent on the manipulator for their sense of reality. They will tell others that they never lie but they are so good a lying they will make their victim believe the lie.
The primary types of narcissists are covert and overt. The covert narcissist is more effective at hiding their true intentions. They are usually masters at manipulation. They are not as outspoken as an overt narcissist. They hide in the weeds waiting for the right time to pounce on their victims. The overt narcissist is braggadocios, prideful and arrogant. They are much easier to identify than the covert narcissist. The most dangerous narcissist is the “covert christian” narcissist. They hide behind a cover of spirituality, masked in supremacy. Both covert and overt are rarely, if ever, wrong in their own eyes. They will do nearly anything to win at almost any cost, even if they destroy themselves in the end. They are like a kamikaze pilot in many ways when faced with extreme challenges.
For years I had asked God to either take me out of this world or show me a way to deal with this devastating experience. We had gone to counseling several times but nothing changed. There is a reason for this. Narcissists rarely, if ever, will take the blame for anything unless they can gain something from it. One specialist stated that children and spouses are like ornaments on a tree. Most narcissists have an inability to love. Their life revolves around themselves. They use others in their sphere of influence to their benefit through manipulation and control. I actually felt like I was in a prison. Criticism is one of their favorite forms of manipulation, especially in a public setting. It elevates them and degenerates their victim.
Narcissists need a source of supply and the people in their closest sphere of influence become that source of supply. Deep down they are weak individuals with a poor sense of self worth but they hide behind a mask of pride and arrogance. Many times this disorder is developed during childhood through an abusive parent or sibling. The narcissist takes on this personality as a defense mechanism to survive, however, it develops into a self destructive lifestyle. They usually end up destroying the people closest to them and eventually self destruct. Due to the nature of this psychological disorder, the narcissist is rarely able to emerge from this disorder. Many psychologists believe there is a demonic aspect to this disorder. I have experienced instances where I’m sure the actions of my ex-wife were a direct manifestation of a demonic power driving the behavior. Kris Reece has an excellent resource dealing with this demonic influence you will find below.
There was a time several years ago that I felt a calling to do a class at our church on spiritual warfare. I initiated a fellow brother in the church to help me present this class. When I told my ex-wife of my plans to do the teaching she became extremely angry and confrontational. That told me right there that it was a demonic influence driving her behavior. Many folks attended this class including the pastor. We received much appreciation for taking the time to do the teaching.
Finally, I decided divorce was the only way out. I was confronted by two of my good friends on two unrelated occasions. From an outside perspective, they told me how concerned they were for me and how it was affecting my life. That really opened my eyes. One of those individuals told me that he thought my wife was a narcissist. That started me down the road to discovery about narcissism. Prior to that I really didn’t understand the definition. it was one of the most impacting wake up calls of my life. In addition to that, at around the same time frame, one of my daughters also came to me out of great concern and encouraged me to get out of the relationship. Being in a narcissistic relationship is like being under a spell.
After filing for divorce, I figured it would take about 9 months to complete the process. I left the house and lived in a trailer for the time being. I finally had a sense of freedom from this life of bondage. What I didn’t know, was how the level abuse and manipulation would escalate. It took 4 years until the divorce was final and 6 days of trial. Most divorce cases never go to trial. She wanted to take everything from belongings to money. She stated to other people that she was going to destroy me. She cycled through 3 attorneys until she found the meanest one available with a reputation for destroying the opponent. In my ignorance, I initially selected an attorney who came recommended trough a friend at the time. (That friend actually turned on me later for reasons I don’t know for sure, and became one of her key witnesses but was never called to the stand.)
My first attorney called me one day after about 6 months into the case and said he could not handle the case, it was too far out of his league. He was not a family law attorney. That was my mistake. So if you end up going this route, spend the time to interview the attorney and select a family law attorney. My second attorney was a man who knew the opposing counsel and had gone up against her on several family law cases. He felt comfortable taking on the case. There were about 12 hearings until the final trial. The discovery and hearings took almost 4 years. Hundreds of hours of meetings, phone calls, answering demand letters for more discovery, it was an experience I would never want to go through again. However, the freedom from the bondage was worth it. I have a photo of the stack of documents from the discovery that’s about 2 feet deep.
I don’t condone divorce. The reason I stayed married to this woman was biblical. I wanted to remain faithful to my vows and to God. I figured if Jesus suffered and died on the cross, I could certainly endure this life married to a narcissist. After much prayer, consideration and counseling I decided divorce was the best and only way out.
My advice to you if you are in a relationship with a narcissist is to first get counseling. If you’re not married to this person and you are being abused and used, get out of the relationship. If you decide to stay with this person, you must create boundaries to survive. If you decide to go through with a divorce, be prepared to spend two to three times the money and time before the divorce is final. They will drag you through hell and play every game in the book to manipulate you, take everything from you and attempt to destroy your character. Stand strong and be committed through the struggle. Find people you trust in this endeavor. In the end it will be worth it. You will be free and have a new and better life. Just be very careful if you choose to look for another mate.
I hope my story and the below resources will help you understand this psychological disorder and enable you to effectively deal with it in your life, enabling you to enjoy the life God intended for you without being under the devastating bondage of being in a narcissistic relationship.
Below are a list of videos that helped me tremendously through this ordeal. Kris Reece has a wonderful ministry dedicated to help people who are trapped in a narcissistic relationship.
